10 Things (Well 5 More Things) To Do in San Francisco for Non-Vegan-Hipster-Millennials - Pts. 1&2
1. Nice try. Read the article
2. SF Botanical Garden
3. Disney Family Museum
4. SF Symphony
5. The Embarcadero At Night
6. Lincoln Park
7. Stow Lake
8. Free Museums
9. Fort Mason
10. The Little Shamrock
Now that I’ve given you something to argue about, keep reading to find out why I’m right.
San Francisco has become a town of, for, and by youth. But as everyone knows, youth is dumb. Young people are absent experience, wisdom, customer service, cursive, and the virtues gained from very, very corporal punishment. The result? Activities and attractions that, not even they enjoy (With the exception of protests, of course). Any Google search including “things” and “SF” – assuming your parental controls are active - will render thousands of articles geared toward young adults wanting to have fun in the City. I entered, “Fun things to do in SF for God fearing Americans” and was greeted with: “404 Error/Page Not Found”. Well, take one last sip of your wheat grass IPA out of that mason jar and prepare to be old schooled.
Note: While being authoritative and the last word on the subject, this list was (hastily) complied assuming that its audience is physically breaking down and is no longer interested in strolling on uneven ground. Therefore, unpaved hikes have been excluded. Also, because of high gas prices and concerns over not making it back to town in time for the early bird specials, these activities are found only within city limits. And while some San Francisco activities and attractions might be enjoyed by all types of people, this list purposely excludes items that would be preferred by those with handlebar mustaches, Atari T-shirts, or those who might be barefooted; as defined by the Venn diagram above.
10. The Little Shamrock
There are many historic saloons in San Francisco. The Old Ship Saloon was built over the SS Arkansas which was pulled ashore in 1851 and became an actual Shanghai den. It’s nice, but it’s located in the Financial District and has become much more of a restaurant and watering hole for young, upwardly mobile, business people. The Saloon, in North Beach, claims to be the oldest continually operating bar in San Francisco but any history group online will froth at the idea and produce all sorts of evidence to the contrary if provoked…also it’s got that old Pine-Sol over wino puke aroma you find in so many bar rooms. Chinatown’s Li-Po is a curiosity with a themed (Although nobody knows which theme) façade, and its patented Mai Tai. But it gets even curiouser when you walk in only to be given the once over by older Chinese gentlemen listening to K-pop and ignoring the afore mentioned disinfected vomit smell. There are even newer places that could be fun, like South Beach’s Coin-Op, decked out with all sorts of video games and pinball machines. But, again, it’s loud and filled with young men drinking and sweating garlic fry juice.
If you’re the type of person who enjoys a good saloon, then the Little Shamrock is the place to go. It is the actual oldest operating bar in the City since it survived both the earthquake and fire of 1906 as well as Prohibition in the 1930s. It opened in 1893 to cater to the builders of the 1894 Mid-Winter Fair in Golden Gate Park, (located just across the street) and later, the park’s visitors. It’s been run by Saeed Ghazi (Only its 3rd owner) since 1974 when he happened in to celebrate the birth of his son to find the previous owner being dressed down by his accountant. He bought the place 2 weeks later and tendered his resignation as relief pitcher for the Red Sox.
One interesting artifact that goes back is the clock on the wall that is stopped at 5:12 (It hasn’t operated since the time of the ’06 quake on April 18th of that year). It’s filled with historic photos, signs, nick-knacks, and books - particularly those of mystery writer John Lescroart, a former Shamrock bartender. You’ll also find backgammon tables, board games, armchairs, and a darts room for league play. On top of it all, they’re affordable. A great place to go whether you’re an alcoholic, or just want to walk like one.
9. Fort Mason
Now this one can be tricky. Fort Mason is over 1200 acres and there are some areas that are notorious for loud, littered, trendy, crowds. But these can easily be avoided if you keep in mind the following 4 easy reminders.
Do not visit during bay focused celebrations such as the 4th of July, New Year’s Eve, or Fleet Week. (There are large crowds for fireworks and boat parades)
Fort Mason Center is a small section of the property but is ground zero for events. (The piers and office buildings house festival pavilions and hippie business establishments. The irony that hippies have embraced a former military installation is, ironically, lost on those who live for irony. Don’t you think?)
‘Off The Grid’ is also located in the parking lot of Fort Mason Center on Friday nights during the summer. (Off The Grid is like a foodie Saturnalia)
Don’t pet strange dogs. (That’s just good advice)
Armed with the above information, one is ready to enjoy this former army base, now operated by the Golden Gate National Recreation Area. The Upper Fort Mason area is home to the Great Meadow, community gardens, and Black Point. There are all sorts of sights to see here (That’s alliteration, by the way). From the views of Aquatic Park, Municipal Pier, and Alcatraz to that’s it. There are statues in the park and beautiful venues like the Officers Club, a free museum, and even sea kayak rentals. But there are two specific locations that provide a unique experience even among San Franciscans.
The two coolest things at Fort Mason are a café in a hostel, and 7,000 square feet of community garden. I know. Sounds pretty commie but hear me out. Café Franco is a quaint little restaurant in the back of the Hostel International Fisherman’s Wharf (Fisherman’s Wharf is actually about a mile away…sure wish they weren’t liars). The food is solid with reasonable prices. It’s rarely crowded. And the views of the bay and the former battery installation are worth putting up with having to wash your own dishes (What’s that now?). An argument could be made that it’s even better during rainy days. The large windows in the dining area make this is a great place to relax and enjoy a warm meal…and wash your own dishes…which is not a gimmick…It’s a hostel…and the employees may have ear gauges.
The community garden, a stone’s throw away from the hostel (But be aware, stone throwing is frowned upon), has 125 lots that vary in growth from decorative shrubs to flowers to succulents to vegetables. But that’s all. None of that wacky tobaccy Cheech. On weekends, the individual plot tenders (a little more gamy than chicken tenders) often come together to pull weeds, harvest their crops and cook them up with a barbecue. They might even invite you to stay and partake if you get your hands dirty or, at the very least, compliment them on their gardening. And a great time will be had by all.
8. Free Museums
For locals, there are many museums that have monthly free days but the museums noted here will be full-time free museums for all visitors. And since they’re free, they’re not very big and can be enjoyed quickly, mollifying the restlessness of any traveling companions that prefer to squash pennies.
A full $7.00 cheaper than riding a cable car, the Cable Car Museum, while noisy and reeking of manly soot and grease, is a fantastic deal. On the upper level you’ll learn all about the histories of both cable cars as well as San Francisco. There are historic cable cars on display. And you can look down (You elitist) on the working machinery in the Sheave Room (Sheaves are the technical term for the 14’ diameter pulleys that run the cables). At the lower level you get a closer view of the working cables from underneath the street and see how the operating cars are able to turn corners (Corners are the technical term for corners). See also SF Railway & Street Car Museum.
Musée Mécanique is a “free” museum for people who like to mix history with arcade games. The history is absolutely free. The arcade games still cost a quarter. Your dignity won’t buy much.
My Italian mother was never offended by ethnic slurs about her people. She felt that it was based in jealousy because, as she would say, “…everybody wants to be Italian.” Here in San Francisco that’s true. And to prove it, the city threw a couple of rooms to the Museo Italo Americano to display art pieces by Italians and Italian-Americans. You can even learn Italian. Forget about it.
Another free art museum is at Pier 24 located under the Bay Bridge. You need to make an appointment online but, upon arriving, you’ll be handed a book that includes a map to all 20 galleries and explains each piece. It’s not crowded, loud, or spoken about in trendy circles (Like in Arrival).
In Laurel Heights (Named after early SF pioneer Jerimiah Heights) you’ll find the San Francisco Fire Department Museum. The SFFD Museum houses memorabilia, artifacts, relics, archives, antiques, records, and other synonyms including a fire truck dating back to 1810. It’s run by volunteers so good luck timing your visit.
My favorite free museum is the Wells Fargo Museum. It’s located in the original Wells Fargo bank in San Francisco and houses hundreds of items from gold rush documents to interactive displays to rare photographs and artifacts to a scale that can weigh ink on paper to an original 1860s Stage Coach. Finance has never been more fun. (And you know how much fun Wells Fargo has)
7. Stow Lake
Stow Lake in Golden Gate Park is where I realized that I wanted to marry my wife. We had wed nine years earlier but it was here that my decision was solidified. She invoked the 3 second rule while eating a slice of pepperoni pizza and I wept.
The lake is Golden Gate Park’s largest body of water surrounding an island with the park’s tallest hill – Strawberry Hill. Climbing up on Strawberry Hill you could see the city light. When the wind is blowing time stands still. A Pygmy Nuthatch flies out of the night. At the peak there are ruins of an observatory and on the South side is Huntington Falls flowing, stretching every nervatory.
Originally designed as a picturesque reservoir for park irrigation with a promenade for horse drawn carriages, Stow Lake is still a great place for picnicking, BBQs, pedal or row boating, bird watching, hiking, and pepperoni gleaning. There’s also a snack bar and restrooms. It’s a great entry level exploration location and has tons of great photo opportunities from wildlife to structures to beautiful backdrops for snap shots. And after your adventure, as you sit on one of the benches that skirts the lake, heart going boom, boom, boom; grab your things and make your way back home.
6. Lincoln Park
Hey kids do you like the golf? How about the art? How about sweeping views? What about abandoned cemeteries with the unlikely-though-possible experience of discovering gold rush-era human remains? Are you a fan of mosaic tiled steps? How about NASCAR? Do you like NASCAR? Reports say it’s got about 75 million fans country wide. They do have great fan engagement. The PGA has also been working to improve the fan experience. Oh yeah. Golf.
It’s not the best-groomed course in the city but Lincoln Park has, absolutely, the best views while hunting for your ball. It’s also one of the least expensive courses in the area – no fences. The 18th hole, especially, has almost a close-up view of the Golden Gate Bridge. And if you’re not a scratch golfer, you can enjoy time spent at the Palace of the Legion of Honor viewing works of art (Since it’s been scientifically proven that non-golfers are Baroque and Rococo groupies) by Rodin, Houdon, and Clodion. Fore!
The park was dedicated and named in 1909 and became the Western terminus (Also the name of the Greek god of bus stops) of the coincidentally named, Lincoln Highway which began in New York City’s Times Square. The Legion of Honor Museum opened in 1924, dedicated to soldiers who died in WWI, and funded by “Big” Alma De Bretteville-Spreckels and her husband, Adolph “Little Alma” Spreckels.
5. Embarcadero At Night
Admittedly, this is a lot more relaxing when you’re 6’-3” and 250 pounds. But if you’re more diminutive, it may help to know that, unless you’re concerned about liquefaction, this area is one of the safer places in the City. Especially on the upper levels. Let me splain.
We’re not talking about the hustle and gender-neutral-bustle you find at the Ferry Building and its outside market during the day. Nor are we encouraging visits to the Exploratorium – After Dark Thursdays. This is a night time stroll down our waterfront. It’s typically warmer in this, Eastern, part of the City with less wind. It’s cleaner than other parts of NE San Francisco and it won’t be crowded…except after Giants games.
Embarcadero Center is Made up of office towers, a three story partially open-air mall, a couple of parks and two hotels. The Hyatt Regency’s lobby has a restaurant, restrooms, and seating areas to rest. There’s an independent theater with a lounge and reclining seats, and the San Francisco Punchline is found here. During the winter season there’s an ice rink. And there are a couple of piers with a perfect view of the Bay Bridge and its nightly light show. Even though it’s in the Financial District there are plenty of really great restaurants such as the Tadich Grill (The 3rd oldest continually operating restaurant in the US), Boulevard Restaurant (Located in the historic Audiffred Building which was spared during the 1906 earthquake thanks to San Francisco’s city pastime – bribery), or you can take the F-line historic street cars to Delancey Street, a white-table cloth restaurant whose prices reflect the fact that it’s a training school for former convicts).
Going North from the Hyatt, you’ll make your way past Levi’s Plaza featuring fountains, ponds with stepping stones, lawns, and plaques with pictures and stories about, not only Levi Strauss & Co, but the history of the are during and after the gold rush.
And if you keep going all of the way to Fisherman’s wharf, you’ll see the daytime tourist attraction transformed into a nighttime wonderland with extraordinary sights, sounds, and smells to the point that you’ll wonder how long you’ve had that smile on your face. Also, there’s huge rats.
4. The SF Symphony
You can’t talk about the San Francisco Symphony without talking about its Musical Director, Michael Tilson Thomas. Originally the precocious middle child on ABC’s Tool Time, MTT has been the SF Symphony’s Director since 1996 and will be leaving that position after 25 years on June 28th, 2020. Known for his production of multimedia projects and the reimagination of the concert experience (He often encourages the audience to “mingle” with the musicians during performances by thumbing through the sheet music, asking ‘what’s your favorite song?’, and giving the horn section wet willys), this Avant-garde/collarless style of music and performance has led to some great entertainment for those of us without dress clothes.
Then there’s Davies Symphony Hall itself. A building within a building, the concert hall is striking with curved reflecting panels over the stage and sound directing/diffusing fabric banners and panels throughout – all of which are computer adjustable to suit each performance. It feels expansive and cozy at the same time (Like a womb for the last triplet out).
Davies offers some pretty cool programs. One is the SF Symphony Film Series where you can watch movies with the score being performed, live! I don’t recommend Hitchcock’s, The Birds. Another is the free, “Inside Music” pre-concert talks delivered before select performances. Sometimes they cover the story behind a particular piece, and sometimes they break down a work musically with recorded bits from the music to be performed. They’re quite interesting and fly by at only an hour long…the one for The Birds is significantly shorter.
3. Walt Disney Family Museum
If you’re a Disney fan, the Disney Family Museum has everything Walt did all under one roof. If you’re not a Disney fan, it’s that way too, you’re just more bitter and take yourself too seriously. This museum doesn’t push the Disney Company, it’s about Walt Disney and the things that he created (One of which being the Disney Company).
There are 10 Galleries that span Walt’s life from his childhood in Missouri to his dream city of the future. It covers his time in Europe during WWI; His creating and loosing of Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, his creating and extorting of Herbert the Unlucky Roulette Addict, and his creating and retiring from Mickey Mouse; his feature animation; his travels and exploration; his train fetish; and the theme parks.
There are also rotating exhibits highlighting art and artists, Animation classes and workshops, a theater for presentations and screenings of Disney movies as well as films about Walt’s life, work, family and friends, a café, and, of course, you exit through the gift shop. Now if they only had dole whips.
2. Botanical Garden
You don’t have to be British to enjoy a garden. Nor do you have to be British to parcel out land and utilize it according to regional resources. But at San Francisco’s Botanical Garden anyone can experience the joys of colonial horticulture.
The Mediterranean Garden shares a hill with the adjacent Garden of Fragrance (So don’t look for any annuals from the French Riviera)
The Cape portion of South Africa apparently has a climate similar to the Mediterranean as well as California So here is a nice chance to see South African plants growing freely (At least since the end of apartheid) rather than relegated to greenhouses as in most of Europe and North America.
There are three cloud forests in the park: A Southeast Asian cloud forest, a Mesoamerican cloud forest, and an Andean cloud forest. Plans for a Bespin cloud forest are still in the negotiation stage as administrators are in disagreement over a suitable location.
Australia and New Zealand are also represented at the gardens. Many of the New Zealand trees are left over from the 1915 Panama-Pacific International Exposition and, apparently, Australia is the new hotbed of street art since the garden displays quite a few of that country’s banksias.
Chile isn’t just the easiest place for cross country skiing. It’s also home to, not just impressive but, medicinal flowers, shrubs, and trees. Many of these are endangered and this garden is one of the only in the world where they can grow outdoors…but still no ganja Dr. Greenthumb.
Everybody’s favorite spot is the Redwood Grove. Guess what you see there? Very good. Next time we’ll talk about the ponds, moon viewing garden, and Flower Piano program.
1. Take A Walking Tour
Sure, this sounds a little self-serving. And, I’m sure, it feels like a cop out to some. But I genuinely think a walking tour in San Francisco is the best thing you can do…OK maybe Alcatraz. Let’s reconfigure. Top five activities: 5) Sf Symphony. 4) Disney Museum. 3) Botanical Gardens. 2) Walking Tours. 1) Alcatraz.
Then again, Alcatraz is essentially a museum. And we’ve already got multiple museums on the list. But it probably should be in the top 5. Let’s put it at #5 and move everything else up with the exception that maybe the Botanical Gardens have a more general appeal. How about: 5) Alcatraz. 4) Symphony. 3) Disney. 2) Walking Tour. 1) Botanical Garden.
Of course, the Botanical Garden could conceivably take most of the day and then you’re exhausted from all of the walking and you still have to get back to your hotel to freshen up if you’ve got the energy for dinner. And Disney could take 4 to 6 hours too. Maybe we move those back a bit. New top 5: Lincoln Park, Stow Lake, Embarcadero, Symphony, Walking Tour.
Who we kidding? Embarcadero doesn’t belong on there. The place is a cesspool. Let’s bring Alcatraz back and put it between Lincoln Park and Stow Lake. Oh wait! I meant to include a Giants game at the ball park. And you got to walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. OK. Final list: 5) Alcatraz 4) Golden Gate Bridge. 3) Ball Park. 2) Symphony…
You know what. If I go to an amusement park, I always ride the train first so that I can see what the park has to offer and go from there. That’s the way to experience our City. #1 thing to do in San Francisco for Non-vegan-hipster-millennials: Take walking tour. Any tour. Even if it’s lousy.