10 Things To Do in San Francisco for Non-Vegan-Hipster-Millennials (Part 1)
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6. Lincoln Park
7. Stow Lake
8. Free Museums
9. Fort Mason
10. The Little Shamrock
Now that I’ve given you something to disagree with, keep reading to find out why I’m right.
San Francisco has become a town of, for, and by youth. But as everyone knows, youth is dumb. Young people are absent experience, wisdom, customer service, cursive, and the virtues gained from very, very corporal punishment. The result? Activities and attractions that, not even they enjoy (With the exception of protests, of course). Any Google search including “things” and “SF” – assuming your parental controls are active - will render thousands of articles geared toward young adults wanting to have fun in the City. I entered, “Fun things to do in SF for God fearing Americans” and was greeted with: “404 Error/Page Not Found”. Well, take one last sip of your wheat grass IPA out of that mason jar and prepare to be old schooled.
Note: While being authoritative and the last word on the subject, this list was (hastily) complied assuming that its audience is physically breaking down and is no longer interested in strolling on uneven ground. Therefore, unpaved hikes have been excluded. Also, because of high gas prices and concerns over not making it back to town in time for the early bird specials, these activities are found only within city limits. And while some San Francisco activities and attractions might be enjoyed by all types of people, this list purposely excludes items that would be preferred by those with handlebar mustaches, Atari T-shirts, or those who might be barefooted; as defined by the Venn diagram above.
10. The Little Shamrock
There are many historic saloons in San Francisco. The Old Ship Saloon was built over the SS Arkansas which was pulled ashore in 1851 and became an actual Shanghai den. It’s nice, but it’s located in the Financial District and has become much more of a restaurant and watering hole for young, upwardly mobile, business people. The Saloon, in North Beach, claims to be the oldest continually operating bar in San Francisco but any history group online will froth at the idea and produce all sorts of evidence to the contrary if provoked…also it’s got that old Pine-Sol over wino puke aroma you find in so many bar rooms. Chinatown’s Li-Po is a curiosity with a themed (Although nobody knows which theme) façade, and its patented Mai Tai. But it gets even curiouser when you walk in only to be given the once over by older Chinese gentlemen listening to K-pop and ignoring the afore mentioned disinfected vomit smell. There are even newer places that could be fun, like South Beach’s Coin-Op, decked out with all sorts of video games and pinball machines. But, again, it’s loud and filled with young men drinking and sweating garlic fry juice.
If you’re the type of person who enjoys a good saloon, then the Little Shamrock is the place to go. It is the actual oldest operating bar in the City since it survived both the earthquake and fire of 1906 as well as Prohibition in the 1930s. It opened in 1893 to cater to the builders of the 1894 Mid-Winter Fair in Golden Gate Park, (located just across the street) and later, the park’s visitors. It’s been run by Saeed Ghazi (Only its 3rd owner) since 1974 when he happened in to celebrate the birth of his son to find the previous owner being dressed down by his accountant. He bought the place 2 weeks later and tendered his resignation as relief pitcher for the Red Sox.
One interesting artifact that goes back is the clock on the wall that is stopped at 5:12 (It hasn’t operated since the time of the ’06 quake on April 18th of that year). It’s filled with historic photos, signs, nick-knacks, and books - particularly those of mystery writer John Lescroart, a former Shamrock bartender. You’ll also find backgammon tables, board games, armchairs, and a darts room for league play. On top of it all, they’re affordable. A great place to go whether you’re an alcoholic, or just want to walk like one.
9. Fort Mason
Now this one can be tricky. Fort Mason is over 1200 acres and there are some areas that are notorious for loud, littered, trendy, crowds. But these can easily be avoided if you keep in mind the following 4 easy reminders.
Do not visit during bay focused celebrations such as the 4th of July, New Year’s Eve, or Fleet Week. (There are large crowds for fireworks and boat parades)
Fort Mason Center is a small section of the property but is ground zero for events. (The piers and office buildings house festival pavilions and hippie business establishments. The irony that hippies have embraced a former military installation is, ironically, lost on those who live for irony. Don’t you think?)
‘Off The Grid’ is also located in the parking lot of Fort Mason Center on Friday nights during the summer. (Off The Grid is like a foodie Saturnalia)
Don’t pet strange dogs. (That’s just good advice)
Armed with the above information, one is ready to enjoy this former army base, now operated by the Golden Gate National Recreation Area. The Upper Fort Mason area is home to the Great Meadow, community gardens, and Black Point. There are all sorts of sights to see here (That’s alliteration, by the way). From the views of Aquatic Park, Municipal Pier, and Alcatraz to that’s it. There are statues in the park and beautiful venues like the Officers Club, a free museum, and even sea kayak rentals. But there are two specific locations that provide a unique experience even among San Franciscans.
The two coolest things at Fort Mason are a café in a hostel, and 7,000 square feet of community garden. I know. Sounds pretty commie but hear me out. Café Franco is a quaint little restaurant in the back of the Hostel International Fisherman’s Wharf (Fisherman’s Wharf is actually about a mile away…sure wish they weren’t liars). The food is solid with reasonable prices. It’s rarely crowded. And the views of the bay and the former battery installation are worth putting up with having to wash your own dishes (What’s that now?). An argument could be made that it’s even better during rainy days. The large windows in the dining area make this is a great place to relax and enjoy a warm meal…and wash your own dishes…which is not a gimmick…It’s a hostel…and the employees may have ear gauges.
The community garden, a stone’s throw away from the hostel (But be aware, stone throwing is frowned upon), has 125 lots that vary in growth from decorative shrubs to flowers to succulents to vegetables. But that’s all. None of that wacky tobaccy Cheech. On weekends, the individual plot tenders (a little more gamy than chicken tenders) often come together to pull weeds, harvest their crops and cook them up with a barbecue. They might even invite you to stay and partake if you get your hands dirty or, at the very least, compliment them on their gardening. And a great time will be had by all.
8. Free Museums
For locals, there are many museums that have monthly free days but the museums noted here will be full-time free museums for all visitors. And since they’re free, they’re not very big and can be enjoyed quickly, mollifying the restlessness of any traveling companions that prefer to squash pennies.
A full $7.00 cheaper than riding a cable car, the Cable Car Museum, while noisy and reeking of manly soot and grease, is a fantastic deal. On the upper level you’ll learn all about the histories of both cable cars as well as San Francisco. There are historic cable cars on display. And you can look down (You elitist) on the working machinery in the Sheave Room (Sheaves are the technical term for the 14’ diameter pulleys that run the cables). At the lower level you get a closer view of the working cables from underneath the street and see how the operating cars are able to turn corners (Corners are the technical term for corners). See also SF Railway & Street Car Museum.
Musée Mécanique is a “free” museum for people who like to mix history with arcade games. The history is absolutely free. The arcade games still cost a quarter. Your dignity won’t buy much.
My Italian mother was never offended by ethnic slurs about her people. She felt that it was based in jealousy because, as she would say, “…everybody wants to be Italian.” Here in San Francisco that’s true. And to prove it, the city threw a couple of rooms to the Museo Italo Americano to display art pieces by Italians and Italian-Americans. You can even learn Italian. Forget about it.
Another free art museum is at Pier 24 located under the Bay Bridge. You need to make an appointment online but, upon arriving, you’ll be handed a book that includes a map to all 20 galleries and explains each piece. It’s not crowded, loud, or spoken about in trendy circles (Like in Arrival).
In Laurel Heights (Named after early SF pioneer Jerimiah Heights) you’ll find the San Francisco Fire Department Museum. The SFFD Museum houses memorabilia, artifacts, relics, archives, antiques, records, and other synonyms including a fire truck dating back to 1810. It’s run by volunteers so good luck timing your visit.
My favorite free museum is the Wells Fargo Museum. It’s located in the original Wells Fargo bank in San Francisco and houses hundreds of items from gold rush documents to interactive displays to rare photographs and artifacts to a scale that can weigh ink on paper to an original 1860s Stage Coach. Finance has never been more fun. (And you know how much fun Wells Fargo has)
7. Stow Lake
Stow Lake in Golden Gate Park is where I realized that I wanted to marry my wife. We had wed nine years earlier but it was here that my decision was solidified. She invoked the 3 second rule while eating a slice of pepperoni pizza and I wept.
The lake is Golden Gate Park’s largest body of water surrounding an island with the park’s tallest hill – Strawberry Hill. Climbing up on Strawberry Hill you could see the city light. When the wind is blowing time stands still. A Pygmy Nuthatch flies out of the night. At the peak there are ruins of an observatory and on the South side is Huntington Falls flowing, stretching every nervatory.
Originally designed as a picturesque reservoir for park irrigation with a promenade for horse drawn carriages, Stow Lake is still a great place for picnicking, BBQs, pedal or row boating, bird watching, hiking, and pepperoni gleaning. There’s also a snack bar and restrooms. It’s a great entry level exploration location and has tons of great photo opportunities from wildlife to structures to beautiful backdrops for snap shots. And after your adventure, as you sit on one of the benches that skirts the lake, heart going boom, boom, boom; grab your things and make your way back home.
6. Lincoln Park
Hey kids do you like the golf? How about the art? How about sweeping views? What about abandoned cemeteries with the unlikely-though-possible experience of discovering gold rush-era human remains? Are you a fan of mosaic tiled steps? How about NASCAR? Do you like NASCAR? Reports say it’s got about 75 million fans country wide. They do have great fan engagement. The PGA has also been working to improve the fan experience. Oh yeah. Golf.
It’s not the best-groomed course in the city but Lincoln Park has, absolutely, the best views while hunting for your ball. It’s also one of the least expensive courses in the area – no fences. The 18th hole, especially, has almost a close-up view of the Golden Gate Bridge. And if you’re not a scratch golfer, you can enjoy time spent at the Palace of the Legion of Honor viewing works of art (Since it’s been scientifically proven that non-golfers are Baroque and Rococo groupies) by Rodin, Houdon, and Clodion. Fore!
The park was dedicated and named in 1909 and became the Western terminus (Also the name of the Greek god of bus stops) of the coincidentally named, Lincoln Highway which began in New York City’s Times Square. The Legion of Honor Museum opened in 1924, dedicated to soldiers who died in WWI, and funded by “Big” Alma De Bretteville-Spreckels and her husband, Adolph “Little Alma” Spreckels.