An Open Letter To SAFEWAY Executives Overseeing the Store at 298 King St.

To whom it may concern (And you know who you are):

I am writing this letter to thank you for your part in helping me improve myself as a person. Your consistency and reliability have not only served as a mirror for me to glimpse what areas of my personality need improvement, but your business practices afford me the opportunity to put my intentions into practice.

Starting with Humility, you have, as an organization, helped me immeasurably in cultivating modesty and reverence. Rather than behaving as if I am the most important person in your establishment, your employees make it abundantly clear that I am anything but. They have routinely gone out of their way to make sure I understand that my presence is never welcome. From their intense disinterest at the check-out stand, to the mass stocking of shelves during the lunch hour, to the angry glares outside the building during their smoke breaks, I know that I definitely come after what ever it is they’re looking at on their phones.

Diligence. Truth be told, I’ve always had a lazy streak. But thanks to your store’s purchasing manager I’ve been able to develop the good habits of endurance, perseverance, and of course, resolve when my efforts to find the most common of items come up short.

Although I find this situation to be typical in most departments, my favorite example is in the cold drink section. I appreciate how two rows are reserved for, one of my favorite drinks, the Odwalla blueberry protein drink. Especially since those two rows could have been used to display the scores of carrot flavored Odwallas that seem to be a constant feature at your store. (Admittedly I’m a little worried that I’ll loose those two rows when one of your plucky workers realizes that the magic number of rows for people to be prompted into buying a carrot Odwalla is a nice round dozen.) Maybe if people would stop buying up all of the blueberry a permanent place could be found.

But I’m not complaining. After all, Patience is a virtue that, with the help of your deli, I believe I’m well on my way to achieving. The fact that the deli department scheduler seems to be genuinely surprised at the lunch time rush each and every day might make a less tolerant person want to join a sleeper cell. But not me. I’m as cool as a SAFEWAY cucumber (Bruised and sweating) waiting in an indistinct line for my turn to repeat my order three times. And kudos to you for hiring people with absolutely zero English ability to be front and center in customer service. What a brilliant way to teach your customers restraint. Let accuracy and expedience be damned!

Now Kindness was something that I thought I had down until my eyes were opened by your staff. Being able bodied, I’ve sometimes not given much thought to how difficult it must be for those whose situation necessitates service animals or service radios or service skateboards. And I’m not talking about those self-centered blind people who insist that their dogs be highly trained (Yeah. I wonder who pays for that?). But your employees have always bent over backwards to make sure that people who don’t pay for their items are accommodated. Especially shirtless/pant less tweekers who need to have their support pit not just in the store but comfortably deposited in a grocery cart (Or in a basket if it’s a puppy/puppies). Yes, a grocery cart where those heartless wage earners casually store the produce that they plan to prepare for their equally calloused families. The whole world could learn from your example.

And speaking of people who don’t pay, your example of Charity rivals our city government with its Shia-like adherence to tolerance. To watch drug addicts on a budget, patronize your establishment (And I mean the type of patronize where they talk down to you) and walk right out with whatever they want – right in front of “Security” no less – warms my heart…and gives me an idea.

And what better example of Temperance then your valiant security guards. Bravely flirting with the single ladies, following hooligans from a safe distance, and steadfastly planting themselves at the check-out counters in case any of the paying customers start to make waves. Recently, I was given a personal lesson in self-restraint from two of your loss prevention specialists. They were actually in pursuit of an individual with a backpack full of preventable loss. I mistakenly thought helping out would be a good idea so I grabbed the backpack and brought the race less, gender less, victim of circumstance whose recreational proclivities are none of my business, person to the ground. I was told they had it from there. And they escorted the character out of the building…with the items that had been purchased in a different store - the person insisted. The bad news: They waited for me outside the store and cut me with a knife. The good news: It was one of your deli knives so it only cut me half way.

Of course, there are some things about your store I don’t like. And for that reason, I regret to inform you that I will be exercising Abstinence.